Attraction

Question

My husband and I have been married for six years. While I really love him and am still attracted to him, I'm also attracted to another man. I know they always say the grass is greener on the other side. How do I fight this temptation? Is something wrong with me? I’ve never been attracted to another man; my husband is my world. Is my marriage okay?

Answer

The fact that you find other men attractive doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble. It may only mean that you are a fairly normal woman. The day that my wife doesn’t find some man more attractive in some way than me is the day I’ll have some serious concerns about her eyesight or her honesty.

There is a big difference between being attracted and choosing to dwell on that attraction. The mind is the battleground for the heart. Satan knows that if we choose to focus our attention or “set our mind” on something we shouldn’t, it won’t be long before we will act on those thoughts. The road to duplicity, self-deception, and betrayal is paved with very small steps in the wrong direction.

Attraction can lead to attention, which can lead to fantasy, which can lead to sin. It doesn’t take much time. The grass may look greener on the other side but when you get there it turns out to be Astroturf.

When you allow yourself to dwell on the attributes of another man, this will breed dissatisfaction with the man God has given you.

Over time you’ll find yourself becoming more negative and critical and irritated by little habits or characteristics that never bothered you before.

David’s problem wasn’t that he found Bathsheba attractive. He chose to pay attention to her, fantasize about her, and then he went after her. If David had used the approach that Joseph did, if he had just run, he would have saved himself and his loved ones enormous pain. A periodic reading of Psalm 51 is a great reminder of the consequences of letting our mind dwell on whatever catches our eye.

When you find yourself attracted to another man, simply stop and choose to apply Colossians 3:2 which tells us to set our minds on things above. Thank God for His love for you, for your husband and for the marriage He has given you. Count your blessings. Name them one by one. Count the strengths of your husband. Recall some of the moments of kindness and tenderness you’ve shared. Remember that he is God’s perfect provision for you as a life mate.

Gary J. Oliver, ThM, PhD
Executive Director at Center for Healthy Relationships | + posts

Dr. Oliver is the Executive Director of The Center for Healthy Relationships, and professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University.  He has authored over 20 books and more than 350 professional and popular articles.  Dr. Oliver has over 40 years’ experience as a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage  & Family Therapist and Spiritual Director.  He leads seminars & workshops both nationally and internationally on a variety of counseling-related issues, healthy relationships as well as Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERI).

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