Dreaming

Is it cheating if I'm dreaming of another man?

Question

I often have dreams about being unfaithful to my husband. They usually involve a faceless “mystery man” who’s perfect in every way. He’s kind, loving, gentle, and attentive to my feelings and needs. I haven’t told my husband about the dreams. How can I? Should I? Please help.

Answer

We can’t control what we dream, but we can control what we do about our dreams. Several years ago, a friend jokingly gave me a book with 10,000 different dream interpretations. Whenever I see the book, it brings a smile to my face and I’m reminded that there are probably as many possibilities for interpreting dreams as there are people.

Even a casual reading of the Bible reveals that God has used dreams as one way of speaking to people and God can still use dreams in the life of a Christian. At the same time, we also know that the evil one can use dreams to plant thoughts and feelings in our minds and hearts. Spending a lot of time in dream interpretation can be dangerous, especially when it’s clear that the dream didn’t come from God.

We have to be very careful as to how much “power” we give a dream. You need to challenge the thoughts you have right after your dream. As you challenge your dreams, ask yourself just how intimate are you and your husband? Do the two of you spend adequate time together doing things away from the children? Do you know what your husband’s needs and wants are and does he know your needs and wants. Are you allowing your husband to know you or do you keep these things from each other?

Your fear of telling your husband about this dream suggests it may be hard for you to talk about vulnerable things in your marriage. Perhaps there are concerns and desires that need to be expressed. We work with many couples that have spent years stuck in the rut of never feeling free to talk about their deepest needs with each other for fear of criticism or rejection! If you don’t cultivate this ability, your marriage can’t grow and you will miss out on much of what God designed a Christian marriage to be.

What would it be like to tell your husband that you sometimes dream about men and this is bothersome to you and that you need his help in praying about it? We’ve seen situations where the simple act of sharing lifted some of the power of the dreams.

Just talking about it, realizing that you are among many people that experience senseless dreams and challenging your thoughts concerning the dreams may help to alleviate the problem.

Whenever you have a dream that breeds dissatisfaction and encourages a fantasy relationship that involves emotional and/or physical infidelity, you can be sure that it didn’t come from the Lord. The same dream that Satan has designed to disturb and distort your perspective and perhaps even divide your marriage can actually, when put in God’s hands, become an opportunity to develop deeper levels of trust and intimacy. Choose to apply II Corinthians 10:5 and take the thought (dream) captive. Choose to count your relational blessings. Choose the right time to tell your husband, to let him know how it disturbs you and how grateful you are for all that is so good about him and your marriage. Choose to join hands and pray together. Choose to experience what it means to “overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37).

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